Word of the Year 2019 - ATTUNE

Here we are nearing the end of January of a brand new year and I've finally just made a final selection of my guiding word for 2019. ATTUNE, It's defined as follows:

Attune: to bring into harmony, to make aware or responsive, adjust or accustom.  Derived from the word, tune which is bringing into the proper pitch.  

 I've engaged in this word of the year practice for awhile now, and every year my word mystically has guided me into situations, changes, and challenges that have helped to expand this still flawed, old soul.  I've changed in ways that have enhanced the quality of my life and felt guided by a mysterious mentor who led me to whatever word I needed that year in order to move to another level of becoming a grown-up spirit.  My incessant questions about who I am, what makes for a satisfying life, and, how can I get me one of the those, lead the search for the word.  It usually starts out a month or so before the year's end. I engage in some serious soul searching and  list words that drift into my head, or maybe I see a pattern with a particular word, or sometimes it shows up, repeatedly, almost like a spiritual slap up the side of my head.   Someone also suggested years ago, the best way to find your word is to ask the question, "How do I want to feel in the next year?" Free?  Creative? Motivated? Blossoming? Transformed?  I find myself, especially this year, becoming less ambitious, in a nurturing way, and the demands I place on myself seem  more laissez faire. That feels like a good thing.  However, I do have a deep desire to continue to become that version of me that God already sees. I think that takes building a deeper relationship with Him and those Higher Angels,  building understanding and being in concert with that Higher Mind as it pertains to my life.  I want those answers that guide my choices, ethics, and demeanor, to live and easily arise from a place of effortless intuition; in proper pitch with the Creator of the Universe who will  open my eyes on a daily basis (if I let Him) to Its perfection, and teaches me how to live in harmony with it, no matter what script is playing out.   

I recognized, at the very least it would take a lot of work to develop such a relationship - plenty of quiet time, reflection, meditation, prayer, study, yoga, nature and a myriad of other tools to practice being present and paying attention. I have been doing many of these things, intermittently. But, part-time isn't committing to a relationship, nor does it really build trust.   Trust isn't a strong suit of mine to begin with.  

This word just might be my most challenging.  Attune. 

It took me so long to wrap my arms around this powerful word of the year for 2019.  It is intimidating and I could be in for a real joy ride. What if I ask the question and the message gets scrambled?  What if the direction I am to take is uncharted territory? What if the change is too hard?  What if I get some kind of vicarious pleasure out of a bad habit? Taking up residence at my intuitive center, is like moving to a foreign country.  Language might be a barrier.  On the flip side, what's wrong with learning a new language? And, uncharted territory in my experience has often produced the sweetest fruits.  

Who knows how the year will end?  I am trying not to have any expectations, and just concentrate on attuning myself to the unlimited source of a harmonious life and letting go of how I think that ought to look. We'll talk again at the end of the year.  

Reflections - 2018 -The Year of Wabi-Sabi

My word of the year 2018 was Wabi-Sabi.  It’s a funny little word defined as a way of life that focuses on finding the beauty within the imperfections and accepting PEACEFULLY  the natural cycle of growth and decay.  In simple terms, acceptance of what IS carried a step further by consciously finding BEAUTY in things as they ARE; no matter our conditioning, prejudices, or how society tells us that should look. I don’t think I’ve ever accepted anything peacefully in my life. This has been a process.  I didn’t know that it would be at the beginning of this year. Nor did I know how everything that had happened to (for) me would become a tutorial in looking for the beauty.

Wabi- Sabi - it was a desperate word birthed from the feeling of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. It was either start accepting and get my Wabi-Sabi on, or find myself beating my head up against a wall in frustration, because things weren’t how I wanted them to be, nothing was happening fast enough, and people just weren’t acting like they should.  Most disappointing was that my life seemed to be as far away from the life I had worked hard for, envisioned and dreamed of in this golden age. Here I was widowed, alone, less than healthy, unemployed, financially strapped,  and rapidly getting older.  The only upside I could see, was I was chronologically closer to heaven. I was bitter too.  I couldn't believe that those closest to me couldn't see my suffering and lend a hand, an ear, or a shoulder. Yeah, that sounded like a decaying, imperfect life, but there was no beauty, no growth and certainly no peace on my part.  The Law of Attraction wasn’t attracted to me.  I prophesied  enough doom and gloom to make Donald Trump look like little Donnie Sunshine.  But, this funny little Japanese word kept popping up in 2017,  which in itself seemed mystical.  It's not a word you see or hear frequently.  I finally considered it a sign. The very beginning of this year, I still struggled. How was I ever going to practice a Wabi-Sabi lifestyle when the last decade had pelted me with more than my share of proverbial crap?  That's not supposed to happen when you do the work, put yourself out there, be courageous, and have faith.  Is it?

I could come up with legitimate reasons as to why I had been depressed, unhappy, and functioning on low.  Even professionals empathetically verified them as life events that might put any human being into a tailspin. It helped me to know I wasn't just being a wimp.  But it didn't help enough to yank me out of the vortex. 

Tracing my steps backward, I see that it began with a severe heartbreak a decade before and left me questioning the authenticity of every relationship I’d ever been in my whole life, yes, including whether the love of my beloved deceased soulmate was even legit. He wasn't around to ask. That betrayal gouged a gaping hole in my trust of everyone, and was like a revisit to my childhood, something I clearly needed additional work on.  Still.  I once again, decided I could not rely on  my own judgement ever again. This left me anemic  for a very long time, not only in my friendships, but with some of my family too.  To pursue anything outside of my time-tested comfort zone (which was the size of a tiny house closet now) was frightening. My heart couldn't withstand another rejection or heartbreak. That closet kept not only my heart  confined, it presented itself in an unwillingness to take risks and expand myself  in most ANY way - personally and professionally. Donning my armor,  I only ventured into areas where at least I knew what to expect or didn't really care; even seeking employment in a familiar, but highly toxic environment which eventually became intolerable and I swear, made my body rebel just so I would be forced to take action.   My rationale in working in that kind of environment was fear based.  I needed a paycheck, and, I rationalized, at least I was familiar with this kind of dysfunction. There will be no surprises. My  body however, had a different plan in mind and went rogue on me.  Surgery after surgery and medication upon medication only lead me deeper in the closet. The job went by the wayside, a good thing, but I was so focused on the financial repercussions and my health and I was blanketed in constant worry. The loneliness was suffocating. 

It’s really not been until my word for 2018 chose me and   I consciously decided to live the Wabi-Sabi way, that I could see the beauty in the brokenness of these past years. Because of the blessed time on my hands,a life review and reflection were big blessings. You can't change anything until you acknowledge how and why you got where you got.   I began to take ownership of my role, prayed for  peaceful acceptance and as a result, I began to feel a bit of serenity and a sense of simplicity and order to my life.  For, every negative I had perceived I slowly awakened to the realization that things were amazingly working in my own best interests and for my own good, really, all along.  I began to appreciate that my fragile body was compensated by a curious mind that was leading me to research and engage in healthier, more holistic ways of managing my pain and discomfort. I voraciously immersed myself in Yoga, checked out Reiki, revisited Michael Singer's book, The Untethered Soul, and began to actively practice not listening to the roommate in my head.  I began to say yes, to every opportunity to be with my family, socialize, cultivate new friends. I took ownership of my life, what I tolerate and what I don't, stayed away from obvious pitfalls, and did my best.  My body’s ability to do many of the things I enjoyed before was rewarded instead by a mind that was becoming less restless, more interested in  savoring the sweetness of quiet moments, and listening, really hearing, the heartbeat of the Universe. 

This is not a "poor me" story and I'm sure to some this sounds simplistic.  It hasn't been really. It's  taken a consistent practice and effort to be grateful and live in a space of peaceful acceptance.  What I believe now is that it ALL has been a necessary part of my personal growth - the imperfections of life, the decay of relationships, bad habits, and a hopelessness that simply forced me into a transformational and very personal faith, and then, learning how to live there.  These events were the mile markers leading me to accept it all - the good, bad, and the ugly as way of truly appreciating the natural process of life and looking for the beauty in it. 

Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack in everything

That's how the light gets in

Leonard Cohen

I know my word (Wabi-Sabi) was a seed from the mind of God, transplanted into mine.  He knew my manure enriched thoughts sprouted from depression and brokenness; His seed could be cultivated, and nurtured, and blossom into an acceptance of things as they were AND eventually lead to seeing the beauty in it through his Holy eyes. I accept this gift of a renewed vision and because of it,  I’ve decided my Word for 2019 will be ATTUNE.  I want to continue to rely on the seeds from my Creator and let Him show me how much easier life can be when I am in harmony with His plan.  I think that all begins with acceptance, a lesson I have learned well this year. 

Stay tuned for my Word of the Year thoughts on my 2019 word - ATTUNE.  And, Namaste! 

God’s opinion of me makes man’s opinion of me irrelevant. - Tim Storey

At the end of her series, Super Soul Sunday, Oprah Winfrey always asks her guest, “What is the lesson that has taken you the longest to learn?”  

I  never had to think more than about 2 seconds about this one.  

To love myself. 

I recognize life is a giant classroom and lessons are learned over the course of a lifetime, and naturally we, (most of us) become a bit wiser as we enter our golden years.  But, this one eluded me for the better part of 60 years.  However, this is also the one that has changed EVERYTHING and given me the most peace of mind.   Additionally, I am very grateful  to  finally have to tools to keep the love alive in these elder years, because I need heaps of it now.  My bones ache, my self-esteem can be mercurial as Ohio weather, I move a little slower, and I don’t exactly turn any heads; not even my own, on my best day.  I’ve noticed another phenomenon that has the potential to send me into an "I am useless tailspin".  The invisibility factor.  Younger people don’t really see or hear you anymore when you become a certain age. Even loved ones at times!  I've learned to watch passively, as they stare through me and talk right over me.  Ms. Cellophane.  Why is it we elders slip under Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak, voiceless ghosts of relevance past?  There are few things that test self-love in this life school like aging.  But, it doesn’t take a wrecking ball to my self-esteem like it did before I fell in love with me. Most days I am a little buddha with a Mona Lisa smile. You really don’t have to be heard to be truly seen. 

The good news is, I do  think there is a blessed movement going on out there; a campaign and call to action - love yourself!   My talented teenage niece read her awesome original work on just this topic on a big stage in Los Angeles at a national event this past year; she wrote an incredible poem beseeching her young friends to do just that. I was in awe of her passionate insight into an issue that has plagued all of us at some point in our lives to pose this question:

 “Why am I not enough?”  

 Maybe we’re finally realizing that loving ourselves is probably one of the greatest ongoing journey’s we will ever make and life is easier if we learn that skill early on.  When we do, that's when the world will begin to change.  I am not talking about a narcissistic , shallow, self-absorbed kind of love; singing the little Johnny one note - me, me, me.  Don’t misunderstand me, I think we do need to accept and nurture our physical bodies and appearances, but I am looking at building the kind of love story that says, I am worthy of more and then, my actions and beliefs back that up. Personally, my new credo is:  I don’t tolerate neglect, abuse, judgments, or attacks (real or imagined) on this Creation (me).  Any and all of my personality traits, struggles, mistakes, and defects are mine to own, change, accept, in a spirit of love and kindness. No one else is in charge of these things. I have a voice and I now use it because victimhood isn't my best look.  I don't wear it well. It dulls the sparkle in my eyes and pep in my step!  

Loving me is a relationship like any other, and in order for it to thrive, I have to work on it. This is what I have learned:

Forgive.   Loving people forgive... themselves too.

You can’t ever really forgive anyone until you recognize we ALL make mistakes.  They are life lessons and how we grow and I have grown tall (well, metaphorically at least) and strong. 

Protect your beautiful spirit.  Loving people are not doormats.  Move away from people and environments that try to diminish, beat you down, or drag you into their personal mess.  And loving people don’t do that to others.  You wouldn't tolerate it if it was happening to someone you loved, like say, hmmmm....your grandchild. I pretend sometimes and become my own unconditionally loving, guard dog Mimi.   Don’t put up with it from your mouthy inner critic either. Be nice and be around other nice humans. Make America Nice Again!   

Appreciate the body you’ve been given.  Loving people take care of themselves.  They go to the doctor when they need to, sleep, eat healthy nurturing foods and move in ways that make their body feel good- whether its running, swimming, weightlifting, yoga, or dancing naked in the moonlight, on the beach.  Focus on the amazing creation your body is and marvel at its ability to breathe life into itself and digest food that nurtures cells. Isn’t that much more important then playing the numbers game with the scale or the pant sizes in the closet?  Appreciate your brain's ability to think and reason as well as the eyes that enjoy the view. Be more mindful of the mechanics rather than the mirror.   Be grateful, even for the aging process.  Some never had the privilege of heralding in the wrinkles or the little grey ones.   Thank yours for a job well-done at end of every day.  Your life and body is clearly God's finest work of Art. Marvel at it.

Don’t Compare: This one is a biggie with the growing addiction over the years of social media. It's a bold-faced  lie curated by clever marketers brainwashing you into believing likes=value.  No one is better than you.   Loving people know this.  You are just as special as anyone else on the planet.  God doesn’t have a favorites list based on gender, skin-tone, country of origin, behavior or talent. Judgment, pointing in either direction, from you or at you, is a destroyer of the creativity planted in all of us at birth.   Each of us has our unique gifts, no greater or less than anyone else’s.   Its our personal adventure to discover and nurture them into fruition. Like the prize in the box of Cracker Jacks, sometimes its right on top; other times we have to work our way through the box to find it.  When I'm absorbed in the dig, I don't have time to be envious of your prize. 

Drop the labels and distinctions:   Loving people don’t love themselves BECAUSE they have a PhD, MD, Esq. or any other title; or, have a book on the NY Times bestseller list, are the world's best athlete, or  because they have achieved world wide celebrity.  They love themselves while they are on the path to becoming.  And, even if they don’t reach their goals, they love themselves for having the tenacity and courage to rise and fall, and pursue their talents and dreams while living in a space of delight because they are engaging in what they love and are meant to do.  They fill their soul, not their ego or pockets.  

On another Super Soul Sunday just the other day,  I heard a world renowned minister say, “Love is sacrificial, redemptive, and unconditional.” He was talking in terms of how it changed his relationships.  I agree. It is indeed. But, its impossible to love this way until we grant ourselves the same gifts. Then, it not only becomes personally life altering, it changes the world.  

A tribute to Roselyn, my Encourager and Chief - You will be missed.

Curious we spend more time  congratulating people who have succeeded than encouraging people who have not.  - Neil deGrasse Tyson

My mother-in-law passed away last week.  Although most of us who loved her so were incredibly sad, we also rejoiced that she no longer had to tolerate dialysis 3 times a week (for the past 8 years) as we watched her world become smaller and smaller the last year or so with her inability to participate in family events, meals out, parties, and engaging with others outside the square footage of her house. I still struggle to seek the positives in times of loss, but, I am immensely grateful that she was able to remain in her home until the last few days of her life, thanks to a loving daughter who became a mother to her mother, primary caretaker, transporter, meal-maker, and companion. In the back of the minds of most of us aging boomers, we pray to be able to remain in familiar, comfortable surroundings with the kind of support she had.  It's not always (rarely) possible, I know, but, if anyone deserved to have whatever she wanted, it was Roselyn Mahoney. A life full of so many joys as well as deepest sorrow, her faith was steadfast - all the time.  At her vigil service the other night, the deacon ended it by saying, "If Roselyn wasn't in heaven, there is no hope for the rest of us." Her life was a gift to many, an unforgettable person who touched others in different ways.  Listening to a collection of stories from her children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, nieces, cousins, and friends, she represented various roles to all of them and left her unique impression;  A nurturing mother, a surrogate mother, a mentor, a wise counselor, a loyal, trusted friend, and a partner in crime. The word that I heard scattered across the conversations at calling hours and in tributes, was TEACHER. She was a 2nd grade teacher at a Catholic school for many years and former students remembered her as making a difference in their lives, but even into retirement, teaching was one of the things she did best.  She taught her great-grandchildren piano and love of music, how to bake, to love reading, and most especially, even the littlest ones,  card games.  Every opportunity she got to spend with them, were teaching moments.  She encouraged their curiosity and modeled learning as a lifelong endeavor because she knew that it would bring meaning and joy to their lives. She consumed the Wall Street Journal and Cleveland Plain Dealer and cut little articles out to share with her family.  An article about conditioning for dance for Miss Sydney, a craft idea for Cameron, and College articles for Alex.  And, for me, she consistently fed me articles about starting your own business, writing for a living, and putting your gifts into practice.  It was through this gentle guidance (without being pushy) that I came to realize, she was not just a teacher, but an ENCOURAGER.  

She sent notes to EVERYONE for EVERYTHING; thanking them, grieving with them, congratulating them, uplifting, and "just because".  Those notes, I'm sure have become treasured gold for many.  I have a stack of them myself.  She seemed to have an uncanny sense for when you needed it most. My most treasured note was the first anniversary of my beloved husband, her precious son's, death.  She slipped over to my house with flowers and a white envelope staying just long enough for a long hug and to wipe a few tears.  She requested I wait until she left to open my envelope.  Inside was a four page letter letting me know I was Mark's gift to the Mahoney family and I would always be one of them. And, she really loved me. She also gently reminded me that our focus and joy could be found in the anticipated arrival of a new baby- new life coming soon.  My first grandchild, her first great.  The ENCOURAGER, beckoning me to move forward into life again in anticipation, sharing that joy with my extended family. 

In the 24 hours since her funeral service, I'm profoundly feeling that all too familiar, gaping wound of loss.  I've learned the best salve to start healing a broken heart is to focus on the gifts. She gave me many. Giving birth to the man who became my soul mate and love of my life is a good place to start. And, an example of unconditional love as I struggled early on with the doctrine of a church that I wasn't certain I wanted to join. She neither pushed, judged, or condemned.  She just exemplified Jesus. I sat back and watched for awhile and began to see Him in both her, and my father-in-law, play out in real time.  Attraction rather than promotion. I wanted what they had, and later joined. I received an ENCOURAGER note then too. That choice became an important bond in my marriage as well as a deep comfort later, after his death. She loved my daughter dearly and was delighted to finally have a girl grand-daughter along with all those beloved grandsons.  When she became a great-grandma to my three girls, I felt blessed on their behalf.  She has been an integral part of their growing up years, actively interested and participating in their activities and lives. So many gifts from one loving woman.  

The last decade or so especially, as I've struggled and  floundered in my own attempts to find where I fit now; alone, a widow searching for answers to my big questions:  How do I bury the old dreams and plans, the way I saw my later years, not become bitter, and find a new purpose and vision?  What IS my purpose?  She became the ENCOURAGER once again. I loved spontaneously stopping in, visiting with her and listening to her life. With every story she shared with me of her own life, her young dreams and later, unbearable heartbreaks, I learned two things. One, we are here on this planet to reassure one another that we are not alone.  Second, life isn't stagnant, its ever-changing and we are called to encourage and uplift others in that process.  And, that, is a holy calling.  

I will miss my ENCOURAGER for so many selfish reasons. She understands, I am only human and she is now a saint, and of course looking down on me with even greater patience and tenderness.  When I find myself getting all pity-partied up, I try to step outside out of my own orbit, and close my eyes.  I can see her sitting with her baby girl, Elizabeth in her arms, her son, Mark at her knee, husband Tom, with his hand on her shoulder, and her mom, dad and beloved brothers rushing forward to greet her exclaiming, "She's here!"  It's hard to not just smile at that picture and take the gifts she so freely gave me and pay it forward.  

http://www.masfh.com/obituary/Roselyn-Mahoney/Galion-Ohio/179832

Live your Obituary

Yesterday I set the timer on my phone to indulge in 15 minutes of Facebook. This practice keeps my addiction to mindless procrastination to a minimum.  I was reminded of something I wrote for a local newspaper a few years ago.  I think those "on this day" memories are the best thing about Facebook. What a great retrospection of my blessings, progress, or in some cases, I confess, regression.  However, it's all good.  It's like a home video of my life, mostly highlights, but occasionally a little venting, opinions, and whining just to ensure authenticity.   As I've gotten older I have given some thought to dying, which doesn't scare me near as much as living does some days.  Recently, I've put in place a few preparations and practices; I gave my daughter a copy of my last wishes, and my prayer every morning is to heal any relationship or wound that is mine to heal so I can enter heaven with a clean conscience. Somehow I thought I had to be clear about the "mine to heal" part, as if God didn't know I am the consummate people pleaser, often making amends just to be liked, or because I have an aversion to discord. I am a bit of a believer in reincarnation and I don't want to have to come back and experience all the judgments, unkindness, and rejection I have doled out to others. In my fantasies, I imagine Donald Trump coming back as a black, Muslim, immigrant woman in a poor family in Alabama. Hey, I just said earlier, I am in conversations with God on this judgement defect.   Besides, the question of past and future lives is a topic for another day.  I know it's a controversial one for many Christians. But, my crazy brain keeps telling me its worth exploring, if nothing else to help me be accountable for my actions while I am living.  I mean, when Jesus came back after the Resurrection and before the Ascension, his own disciples did not recognize him. Same Divine soul, different body. Enough. Here's my article from four years ago.

My Obituary 

by Becky Mahoney

I think someone jostled my endocrine gland during my recent surgery sending a surge of crazed hormones to event plan a really fine pity party- just for me!  I’ve been to those kind of parties before and do not enjoy the hangover. So, I pulled out my own mood altering, drug-free, drugs; inspirational websites, books, plenty of prayer, a little meditation, and some of my old journals and writings. Those tools usually set my gratitude into motion again.

I stumbled on something I wrote in 2006.  Then, it didn’t seem to be such a big deal, rather a time gobbling exercise.  It was a homework project assigned by my therapist. One thing you should know about me, I don’t think there is anything honorable about suffering, and martyrdom is not a stylish label I’m interested in wearing.  In simpler terms, I am not adverse to availing myself of some professional guidance and clarity when the road ahead gets foggy.  I consider it an option to reach out to someone who might help me turn off the fog machine. Life is too precious.  This time though, I recall being a little miffed. I was paying the professional to fix my life.  He expected me to do homework?  Furthermore, it was just plain creepy.  He told me to write my own obituary.  I had no idea what a timeless gift this wonderful mentor gave me.  

I waited until the night before to complete my assignment.   Two typewritten pages, front and back. Wow, I thought, I better be designating big bucks in my Last Will and Testament to publish this one; in the New York Times of course.  Because, if you read my imaginary obituary, my life will be notable.  Maybe not notable as in, Mother Theresa, or Nelson Mandela, but certainly it was in the plan to make greater contributions than Kim Kardashian or a Real Housewife. 

The first sentence read, “Rebecca Sue Puhr, Klein, Heidtke, Marino, Mahoney, passed on to her real home for regrouping before her next life.”  I know what you’re thinking. Cut me some slack.  In spite of all those names, I’ve been married only twice and the second one died.  It’s the history behind all those names that have turned my obituary into a four page commentary on a life well-lived.  It went on to read,  “She was 82 years old, still bleached her hair blonde and wore bright, shiny lipstick, just so she could leave lip prints on her loved ones and totally annoy her son-in-law.  At her visitation, it is reported that people waited in line for hours just to catch a glimpse of the veiny, yet still shapely leg, dangling over the side of the casket; the tiny foot sporting a hot pink stiletto.   Rebecca entered the world an old soul, both eyes wide, inquisitively searching for the meaning of life from her first breath.  A tiny free spirit, willing to try anything once, she was the first in her kindergarten class to eat escargot and climb to the top of the monkey bars.  A true adventurer, the price of great exploit was never too high for her, and she willingly accepted any discipline, rightfully  doled out by authority figures as a result of her risk taking.  It was all about curiosity and exploration. As a young girl, she was grounded for a good part of her teenage years.  She joked, “The dog got out more than I did.”  And, so it continued, my obituary-  painting a picture, tracing a path, charting a future. 

The questions posed by my therapist to evoke thought, were this simple.  What do you want your life to look like when you get to the end?  What do you want others to remember about you?  What will you leave behind?   This obituary has been a guiding force in my life ever since.  It’s a poignant reminder of where I came from, what has formed me, what I can change, and what I want my legacy to be. I can choose.   Who knows what the next 20+ years will  bring?  Maybe I’ll add another last name. Maybe I’ll make the NY Times Bestseller list.  Or, maybe I will just be remembered as an adventurous spirit, who loved people and life and did her best. 

You know, that Rebecca Sue Puhr, Klein, Heidtke, Marino, Mahoney lady, well, she is quite a character and I’m really glad I got to know her.  Now back to the business of doing my best to become her.  By the way, the last line in my obituary reads, Surrounded by family and friends at the moment of her passing, its reported they heard a soft whisper, “WooHoo, this is awesome!  See ya, I don’t think I’m coming back for quite some time!”

Write your own obituary- create your own life. 

“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.- ” Thich Nhat Hanh

 

 GRATITUDE

I’ve just started a decades old project at the suggestion of my daughter.  Scrapbooking my pictures of my magical two months in Italy and France from TEN years ago.  That little Sneaky Pete daughter of mine I’m sure had an ulterior motive. Either: a) Just the practice of designing and laying out a page and doing something creative would show that elusive Muse I miss her and want her to come home. Or,  b) Help pass the time while I sort out how/if I want to continue with this forced retirement. Or, c) Remind me to focus on how immensely blessed my life has been and get cracking on living and breathing the kind of gratitude I had a decade ago.  

No matter the reason, I am now having a ball enjoying long walks down memory lane and feeling the

emotion that accompanied my trip of lifetime.  I can close my eyes and remember how awed I was to stand before Monet’s Water Lilies Collection and discover they weren’t 16x20 size like the knock-off I have at home, rather, massively long landscape canvases stretched across a pure white Museum wall.  I recall the exhilaration of parasailing in Nice, France and getting dunked into the French Rivera. And, standing in Cathedrals at the tombs of the great Masters of Religion, Architecture, Art, and Science sparking my imagination and offering up their stories. My most profound experience on the trip, was the memory of walking

around the tomb of St. Francis, my hand outstretched towards the circular  stone and iron monument.  As I moved around the tomb, I felt a mysterious vibration and goose bumps popped up all over my body. I was stunned into silent reverence and left there imprinted and changed.    You can see his tomb here and read the story of his burial.

https://churchpop.com/2016/10/04/the-mystery-of-the-hidden-tomb-of-st-francis-of-assisi/.

Beginning the project of putting in order over 15,000 digital images and then remembering where I was; which cathedral, museum, or site has been a great adventure in itself.  It’s forced me to pore over my journal, souvenirs, and do internet searches on the history.  This has to be good for my much older brain!  

Mixed in with those trip photos are images of my grand-

daughters through the years; parties, day trips, much smaller vacations, and holidays.  How could I not smile and be reminded of my very blessed life?  I’ve spent far too much time over the last few years healing from too many surgeries, regretting being forced into retirement of sorts, and feeling sorry for myself.  It’s become apparent, especially this past year, the missing key that drove my delight in life and trust in God.  Gratitude.

Gratitude changes an attitude and allows us to see the sacred moments.  

I started to recall some of the most devastating events of my life, times when gratitude seemed impossible, but somehow, with God’s help, I eventually uncovered it.  When my mother died, far too young, I was intensely angry.  I loved her so much despite the fact her alcoholism resulted in a very chaotic, toxic childhood for my brother and I.  However, seven years before she died, she found recovery.  I discovered gratitude for being able to get to know a sober, bright, funny, caring,

and GRATEFUL mother.  She was a gem.  When my  39 year old husband died after an 18 month battle with cancer, for a time, all meaning in my life seemed destroyed.  Miraculously the end of that same year, my daughter and son-in-law announced they would be presenting me with my first grand-child.  The gratitude for that great blessing led me to see how lucky I was to have found the love of my life and enjoyed him for the ten years of our relationship. 

That time was magical, and I now recognize that we were given so much more in our limited number of years than most couples experience in the lifetime of their marriages. That gratitude heralded in two more lovely grandchildren.  Oprah Winfrey often says, “The more thankful I became, the more my bounty increased.  That’s because, for sure, what you focus on, expands.  When you focus on the goodness in life, you create more of it.” 

This scrapbooking project has become the watering can to grow my gratitude.  It was still there, just  hidden beneath the mud I’ve been wallowing in. It’s beginning to break

ground, and revealing signs of life.   I used to complain back in the day of long hours of working, sometimes two jobs, attending school full time, and keeping up a monster house on my own, I didn’t have enough time to do so many of things I had loved when I was a young mom - writing, sewing, cooking, crafting, reading, exercising, and yes, even scrapbooking.  I’m a sucker for photographs. 

I heard a voice reminding me of that and the whisper that followed, saying, “Good grief, lady. Watch what you pray for.

I have given you a great gift these past three years - TIME. And, the resources to take care of your needs.”  That’s another mystical gratitude story for another day.

I’m trying.  Somehow I sense gratitude’s even more important in these senior years, when the body, mind, and finances start diminishing.  However, I can be grateful for the surgeries to ease the pain, online games to keep my mind sharp, and the economy for greatly improving making jobs plentiful.  I only have to be retired if I want to be.  Most of all, I am grateful for the time which has allowed me to do so many of things I love.  And, for my deceased husband’s love in leading me to his Social Security until I do decide to retire, and apply for my own!  Who knew?

I’m also considering going blonde again.  Look at my smile in these photographs! I think it might be true.  Blondes do have more fun! 

Let gratitude be the pillow which you kneel to say your nightly prayer.  

Maya Angelou

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream - CS Lewis

My youngest grand-daughter and I made Vision Boards a few weeks ago.  She is still young enough to not yet be addicted to social media and enjoys engaging in real time with her Mimi and creating new craft projects.  January is always a reflective time for me in deciding on a word of the year and form some habits that I hope will follow me into the new year.  What better way than to start at the end and imagine what I want the future to look like?  You have to see it to achieve it.   I explained to my girl that we would be browsing through magazines to find words and pictures we loved, but before, we would sit down and pencil out a few goals and wild imaginings.  Afterwards, we dove into our magazines and I explained it didn’t matter how far-fetched any photo or word seemed, if we were drawn to it, we should use it. Yes,even a photo of Disneyworld or visiting the Clearwater aquarium to see Winter the dolphin.  She and I had just watched the movie, A Dolphin Tale.  Excitedly, she started clipping pictures from Guidepost,  Whole Living, Home and Away, Redbook, AARP, and old  American Girl and Ikea catalogs.   Bless her creative little soul.  She still found suitable photos in my predominately geriatric selections, although I did question a church steeple she placed on her Vision Board.  When asked about the picture, she said, “I want to be more involved in church.” Awwww. My well rounded little Christian girl. This from the same little girl who at age three, asked about the meaning of Ash Wednesday and Lent, and learning she would get ashes on her forehead and needed to give up something for six weeks, decided she would give up church.  The ashes were bad enough (yuck) but forgoing her favorite candy or Cheetos made her sacrifice of church sound like a wise decision!    I was happy to see the years had turned her heart.

Vision Boards were a big part of personal and professional development back in my career days attending Dale Carnegie training programs, and many motivational seminars.  Different exercises, similar to Vision Boarding  followed me into some overwhelming periods of my life that called for a few months of unbiased guidance from a professional therapist.   These tools were often called by other names but the intent was the same. One such Vision Board of sorts was, “My Obituary” in which you wrote your own.  What did you want your legacy to be?  I let my imagination fly free with this one.  My three page obit is going to take a chunk of change out of my estate.  Another exercise was, “ A letter to my much younger self.”  With this therapeutic writing task your advice to the you of yore reinforced that progress was possible and envisioning, focus, and practice, worked as a change agent in promoting growth.  See... you were not the same person you were at sixteen. 

The point of all of these activities was to set an intention because when you do, and you allow your focus to be on that intention, magic happens.  I’m not saying there isn’t some elbow grease involved, but when your mind's eye is narrowed in on your dreams, that’s the place where the mystery begins.  The Universe, God, Energy Force, whatever you call the Higher Power that keeps it all seamlessly spinning responds with divine assistance. I don’t necessarily believe that we get everything that we ask for or think we WANT OR NEED to make us happy.  A deeper belief of mine is that everything is for our higher good, and it is all about divine timing.  

My sweet girl completed her vision board and took it home to proudly show off to her mom, dad, and sisters.  I completed mine a few days after she left.  The 64 year old grumpy pessimist I am constantly trying to silence, snickered wickedly and said, “None of this is going to happen. You’re too old.” Fortunately for me, I have been pampering my inner child these past few years, and this happy little optimist, responded by duck taping the old grouch’s mouth.  I finished my Vision Board. My mind was flush with hopes and dreams.  I envisioned a condo and a healthy, fit, me living in it and writing my little heart out.  The spiritual path beckoned to me to keep following the bread crumbs along the trail.  I needed a new car to replace my fifteen year old one.  I wanted a Honda HRV.  I decided to open my heart back up to the possibilities of new friends and even love.  Reading a book a week as well as living in awe was important.  I put it all out there. Fearlessly and confidently.    

I noticed with every photo I pasted onto my board, my spirit grew lighter.  And happier.  I believe in miracles.  I always have.  It’s a much better way to live having dreams, wishing on stars, and embracing the notion that anything is possible.  It keeps us optimistic and a much more pleasant person to be around.  While the body may be aging, the spirit is eternally youthful and filled with possibility and God’s  love and support.  Ask and you shall receive.  With faith as a grain of a mustard seed.  On earth as it is in heaven.  

Why not believe?  What have I got to lose other than that grouchy old gal?  Someone please hand her a pair of rose colored glasses!  So, I did. 

Never, ever, ever quit - Winston Churchill