#MeToo

Those two words hugging the hashtag kept me awake last night.  It isn’t so much the idea of coming out of the shadows and being open about my life.  That has been evolving for the past 8-9 years when a beloved therapist encouraged me to start a blog and begin to write again. My new voice - often opinionated, occasionally melancholy and lately tinged with rage, I’m blaming (thanking) him for.  His reasoning to me was:

1) I was good at it, and, I thought he knew what “good” looked like because his wife was a writer, and I had no self-esteem of my own, which, was in part, why I was there.  

2) He felt it would be healing for me; and it turns out he was right. My “go to  therapy” to try to make sense of things, has always been words; poured out on paper giving me relief and way to look at my thinking at that moment.  That has made me as transparent (and vulnerable) as living in a glass house with no window treatments. 

3) He said, it could help others to see they weren’t alone and give them permission to be brave and know that someone else had not only traveled a path of pain, but ultimately, thrived in spite of. 

Write I have; about growing up in a crazy dysfunctional household, toxic relationships, addiction, and character defects of my own that have made life difficult- often because of my own poor choices. Yet, choices made out of a survival instinct instilled  many years ago, based on old false information about who I was and what I thought I deserved, I am learning, doesn’t define my life.  I also wrote about the love and the joy and the gratitude that is a daily part of my life, mostly because I did the work, made myself vulnerable, got honest, and began to live authentically.  And, it sure didn’t hurt to discover a Creator that I’ve grown to know and continue to develop a personal relationship with.  It is the first time in my life I have EVER felt unconditional love.  Under that umbrella, it feels safe to be honest and tell my story.  There are no repercussions coming from that kind of love. 

Amazingly,  I did hear from others, predominately women, but also some men who felt safe to share their own struggles and secrets.  It has been worth it for that reason alone.  I wrote despite the fact I could tell, it made some of my circle uncomfortable, I recognize those feelings are not their fault.  They quite simply were either raised in an age where you kept your feelings to yourself, handled any and all affairs privately, and kept the family secrets at ANY cost even if a member of that family commits illegal or damaging acts that harm others.  

Growing up, I was taught kids are seen, not heard.  As a teen I was told, if you dress a certain way or put yourself into precarious positions, you deserve what you get.  As a young adult I was told men are powerful, don’t get a reputation as a troublemaker or jeopardize your future and career. Go with the flow, even if that flow felt uncomfortable.  I was told, by both men AND women, as a single mother raising a child, and later a  young widow trying to financially take care of my needs as well as grieve the loss of the best man I’d ever met, just don’t rock the boat.  

So, here's a truth I haven’t come clean in this one very sensitive area of my life. 

#MeToo. #MeToo. #MeToo.  

One of the biggest reasons I haven’t, is because of other women.  In my experience that has been worse than the harassment and abuse of  men, in the long run.  For whatever reason, women judge other women quite harshly.  Is it jealousy?  Competition?  Fear?  I don’t know. But, I believe it has been one of the biggest detriments in eliminating this scourge and ending the abuse of women. We may have moved forward a few inches in breaking the glass ceiling, but the caveman is still dragging us around by the hair like property. And, other women are saying, we deserved it.  Woman are still standing by their man, even when they know said man is an abuser.  That is their choice, and I am not judging their decision.  I don't know what it is based on.  Insecurity.  Threats. Fears, for sure.  What I am saying is, it's not cool to disparage the women these perpetrators have victimized. It's not cool to say, it was consensual, when it may not have been.   

Most recently, I witnessed a row of abused women, front row, at a debate between two presidential candidates- one female, one male.  These poor women were paid to protest (by the male candidate's campaign)  their documented abuse at the hands of the female candidate's  husband. This was after the other candidate, the male,  was caught on tape laughing about his history of abusing women!  I felt like these women sitting there, were just abused again!  By both candidates, but even worse the woman, who refused to acknowledge their shame and suffering. I think about the number of times I’ve heard, the words, “Boys will be boys. That was just locker room talk.  Well, she put herself in that position.” OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF OTHER WOMEN!  I think about the number of times I’ve witnessed the villainization of a family member while the tribe continues protecting the predator within the victim’s own family! 

Some examples of real life stories that just may give you some insight into the "Mean Girl" syndrome...

She’s referred to as the slutty girl in high school. Bouncing from guy to guy.  Maybe she’s been raped in a household that turns their heads and do not have the capacity to show her what real love looks like.  Defend her.  Don’t demonize her.  

She’s the lady who keeps moving up the corporate ladder. Rumors swirl predominately from female co-workers and she is judged as probably  “sleeping with the boss.”  Maybe she isn’t. But, maybe she tolerates the "man talk", because her biggest dream is to provide her child with a good future and education and she needs her insurance for an ill spouse.  There is always a back story.

I was married to a man with the most empathy I have ever seen in a human being.  He kept me honest.  Whenever gossip swirled and that part of me that wanted to feel superior reared its ugly head, he said, "You just don't know the rest of their story." 

Ladies...Open your heart to the rest of the story. 

It has to stop. #MeToo might be a beginning in understanding the MAGNITUDE of the problem, but if we really want to take our power back and empower our daughters, grand-daughters, nieces and other young women to break free from what seems to have become a social norm, this practice of accepting and trying to justify the behavior of powerful  men; intimidating, harassing, threatening, touching, violating us,  then we as women have got do more than just come out of the closet and say #MeTo.  We have to stop judging and start being champions and defending each other - in our homes, in our relationships, in our jobs.  

I’d like to see the new hashtag read, #MeToo #SheIsMySister.