At the end of her series, Super Soul Sunday, Oprah Winfrey always asks her guest, “What is the lesson that has taken you the longest to learn?”
I never had to think more than about 2 seconds about this one.
To love myself.
I recognize life is a giant classroom and lessons are learned over the course of a lifetime, and naturally we, (most of us) become a bit wiser as we enter our golden years. But, this one eluded me for the better part of 60 years. However, this is also the one that has changed EVERYTHING and given me the most peace of mind. Additionally, I am very grateful to finally have to tools to keep the love alive in these elder years, because I need heaps of it now. My bones ache, my self-esteem can be mercurial as Ohio weather, I move a little slower, and I don’t exactly turn any heads; not even my own, on my best day. I’ve noticed another phenomenon that has the potential to send me into an "I am useless tailspin". The invisibility factor. Younger people don’t really see or hear you anymore when you become a certain age. Even loved ones at times! I've learned to watch passively, as they stare through me and talk right over me. Ms. Cellophane. Why is it we elders slip under Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak, voiceless ghosts of relevance past? There are few things that test self-love in this life school like aging. But, it doesn’t take a wrecking ball to my self-esteem like it did before I fell in love with me. Most days I am a little buddha with a Mona Lisa smile. You really don’t have to be heard to be truly seen.
The good news is, I do think there is a blessed movement going on out there; a campaign and call to action - love yourself! My talented teenage niece read her awesome original work on just this topic on a big stage in Los Angeles at a national event this past year; she wrote an incredible poem beseeching her young friends to do just that. I was in awe of her passionate insight into an issue that has plagued all of us at some point in our lives to pose this question:
The good news is, I do think there is a blessed movement going on out there; a campaign and call to action - love yourself! My talented teenage niece read her awesome original work on just this topic on a big stage in Los Angeles at a national event this past year; she wrote an incredible poem beseeching her young friends to do just that. I was in awe of her passionate insight into an issue that has plagued all of us at some point in our lives to pose this question:
“Why am I not enough?”
Maybe we’re finally realizing that loving ourselves is probably one of the greatest ongoing journey’s we will ever make and life is easier if we learn that skill early on. When we do, that's when the world will begin to change. I am not talking about a narcissistic , shallow, self-absorbed kind of love; singing the little Johnny one note - me, me, me. Don’t misunderstand me, I think we do need to accept and nurture our physical bodies and appearances, but I am looking at building the kind of love story that says, I am worthy of more and then, my actions and beliefs back that up. Personally, my new credo is: I don’t tolerate neglect, abuse, judgments, or attacks (real or imagined) on this Creation (me). Any and all of my personality traits, struggles, mistakes, and defects are mine to own, change, accept, in a spirit of love and kindness. No one else is in charge of these things. I have a voice and I now use it because victimhood isn't my best look. I don't wear it well. It dulls the sparkle in my eyes and pep in my step!
Loving me is a relationship like any other, and in order for it to thrive, I have to work on it. This is what I have learned:
Forgive. Loving people forgive... themselves too.
You can’t ever really forgive anyone until you recognize we ALL make mistakes. They are life lessons and how we grow and I have grown tall (well, metaphorically at least) and strong.
Protect your beautiful spirit. Loving people are not doormats. Move away from people and environments that try to diminish, beat you down, or drag you into their personal mess. And loving people don’t do that to others. You wouldn't tolerate it if it was happening to someone you loved, like say, hmmmm....your grandchild. I pretend sometimes and become my own unconditionally loving, guard dog Mimi. Don’t put up with it from your mouthy inner critic either. Be nice and be around other nice humans. Make America Nice Again!
Appreciate the body you’ve been given. Loving people take care of themselves. They go to the doctor when they need to, sleep, eat healthy nurturing foods and move in ways that make their body feel good- whether its running, swimming, weightlifting, yoga, or dancing naked in the moonlight, on the beach. Focus on the amazing creation your body is and marvel at its ability to breathe life into itself and digest food that nurtures cells. Isn’t that much more important then playing the numbers game with the scale or the pant sizes in the closet? Appreciate your brain's ability to think and reason as well as the eyes that enjoy the view. Be more mindful of the mechanics rather than the mirror. Be grateful, even for the aging process. Some never had the privilege of heralding in the wrinkles or the little grey ones. Thank yours for a job well-done at end of every day. Your life and body is clearly God's finest work of Art. Marvel at it.
Don’t Compare: This one is a biggie with the growing addiction over the years of social media. It's a bold-faced lie curated by clever marketers brainwashing you into believing likes=value. No one is better than you. Loving people know this. You are just as special as anyone else on the planet. God doesn’t have a favorites list based on gender, skin-tone, country of origin, behavior or talent. Judgment, pointing in either direction, from you or at you, is a destroyer of the creativity planted in all of us at birth. Each of us has our unique gifts, no greater or less than anyone else’s. Its our personal adventure to discover and nurture them into fruition. Like the prize in the box of Cracker Jacks, sometimes its right on top; other times we have to work our way through the box to find it. When I'm absorbed in the dig, I don't have time to be envious of your prize.
Drop the labels and distinctions: Loving people don’t love themselves BECAUSE they have a PhD, MD, Esq. or any other title; or, have a book on the NY Times bestseller list, are the world's best athlete, or because they have achieved world wide celebrity. They love themselves while they are on the path to becoming. And, even if they don’t reach their goals, they love themselves for having the tenacity and courage to rise and fall, and pursue their talents and dreams while living in a space of delight because they are engaging in what they love and are meant to do. They fill their soul, not their ego or pockets.
On another Super Soul Sunday just the other day, I heard a world renowned minister say, “Love is sacrificial, redemptive, and unconditional.” He was talking in terms of how it changed his relationships. I agree. It is indeed. But, its impossible to love this way until we grant ourselves the same gifts. Then, it not only becomes personally life altering, it changes the world.
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