My word of the year 2018 was Wabi-Sabi. It’s a funny little word defined as a way of life that focuses on finding the beauty within the imperfections and accepting PEACEFULLY the natural cycle of growth and decay. In simple terms, acceptance of what IS carried a step further by consciously finding BEAUTY in things as they ARE; no matter our conditioning, prejudices, or how society tells us that should look. I don’t think I’ve ever accepted anything peacefully in my life. This has been a process. I didn’t know that it would be at the beginning of this year. Nor did I know how everything that had happened to (for) me would become a tutorial in looking for the beauty.
Wabi- Sabi - it was a desperate word birthed from the feeling of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. It was either start accepting and get my Wabi-Sabi on, or find myself beating my head up against a wall in frustration, because things weren’t how I wanted them to be, nothing was happening fast enough, and people just weren’t acting like they should. Most disappointing was that my life seemed to be as far away from the life I had worked hard for, envisioned and dreamed of in this golden age. Here I was widowed, alone, less than healthy, unemployed, financially strapped, and rapidly getting older. The only upside I could see, was I was chronologically closer to heaven. I was bitter too. I couldn't believe that those closest to me couldn't see my suffering and lend a hand, an ear, or a shoulder. Yeah, that sounded like a decaying, imperfect life, but there was no beauty, no growth and certainly no peace on my part. The Law of Attraction wasn’t attracted to me. I prophesied enough doom and gloom to make Donald Trump look like little Donnie Sunshine. But, this funny little Japanese word kept popping up in 2017, which in itself seemed mystical. It's not a word you see or hear frequently. I finally considered it a sign. The very beginning of this year, I still struggled. How was I ever going to practice a Wabi-Sabi lifestyle when the last decade had pelted me with more than my share of proverbial crap? That's not supposed to happen when you do the work, put yourself out there, be courageous, and have faith. Is it?
I could come up with legitimate reasons as to why I had been depressed, unhappy, and functioning on low. Even professionals empathetically verified them as life events that might put any human being into a tailspin. It helped me to know I wasn't just being a wimp. But it didn't help enough to yank me out of the vortex.
Tracing my steps backward, I see that it began with a severe heartbreak a decade before and left me questioning the authenticity of every relationship I’d ever been in my whole life, yes, including whether the love of my beloved deceased soulmate was even legit. He wasn't around to ask. That betrayal gouged a gaping hole in my trust of everyone, and was like a revisit to my childhood, something I clearly needed additional work on. Still. I once again, decided I could not rely on my own judgement ever again. This left me anemic for a very long time, not only in my friendships, but with some of my family too. To pursue anything outside of my time-tested comfort zone (which was the size of a tiny house closet now) was frightening. My heart couldn't withstand another rejection or heartbreak. That closet kept not only my heart confined, it presented itself in an unwillingness to take risks and expand myself in most ANY way - personally and professionally. Donning my armor, I only ventured into areas where at least I knew what to expect or didn't really care; even seeking employment in a familiar, but highly toxic environment which eventually became intolerable and I swear, made my body rebel just so I would be forced to take action. My rationale in working in that kind of environment was fear based. I needed a paycheck, and, I rationalized, at least I was familiar with this kind of dysfunction. There will be no surprises. My body however, had a different plan in mind and went rogue on me. Surgery after surgery and medication upon medication only lead me deeper in the closet. The job went by the wayside, a good thing, but I was so focused on the financial repercussions and my health and I was blanketed in constant worry. The loneliness was suffocating.
It’s really not been until my word for 2018 chose me and I consciously decided to live the Wabi-Sabi way, that I could see the beauty in the brokenness of these past years. Because of the blessed time on my hands,a life review and reflection were big blessings. You can't change anything until you acknowledge how and why you got where you got. I began to take ownership of my role, prayed for peaceful acceptance and as a result, I began to feel a bit of serenity and a sense of simplicity and order to my life. For, every negative I had perceived I slowly awakened to the realization that things were amazingly working in my own best interests and for my own good, really, all along. I began to appreciate that my fragile body was compensated by a curious mind that was leading me to research and engage in healthier, more holistic ways of managing my pain and discomfort. I voraciously immersed myself in Yoga, checked out Reiki, revisited Michael Singer's book, The Untethered Soul, and began to actively practice not listening to the roommate in my head. I began to say yes, to every opportunity to be with my family, socialize, cultivate new friends. I took ownership of my life, what I tolerate and what I don't, stayed away from obvious pitfalls, and did my best. My body’s ability to do many of the things I enjoyed before was rewarded instead by a mind that was becoming less restless, more interested in savoring the sweetness of quiet moments, and listening, really hearing, the heartbeat of the Universe.
This is not a "poor me" story and I'm sure to some this sounds simplistic. It hasn't been really. It's taken a consistent practice and effort to be grateful and live in a space of peaceful acceptance. What I believe now is that it ALL has been a necessary part of my personal growth - the imperfections of life, the decay of relationships, bad habits, and a hopelessness that simply forced me into a transformational and very personal faith, and then, learning how to live there. These events were the mile markers leading me to accept it all - the good, bad, and the ugly as way of truly appreciating the natural process of life and looking for the beauty in it.
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
Leonard Cohen
I know my word (Wabi-Sabi) was a seed from the mind of God, transplanted into mine. He knew my manure enriched thoughts sprouted from depression and brokenness; His seed could be cultivated, and nurtured, and blossom into an acceptance of things as they were AND eventually lead to seeing the beauty in it through his Holy eyes. I accept this gift of a renewed vision and because of it, I’ve decided my Word for 2019 will be ATTUNE. I want to continue to rely on the seeds from my Creator and let Him show me how much easier life can be when I am in harmony with His plan. I think that all begins with acceptance, a lesson I have learned well this year.
Stay tuned for my Word of the Year thoughts on my 2019 word - ATTUNE. And, Namaste!
Stay tuned for my Word of the Year thoughts on my 2019 word - ATTUNE. And, Namaste!
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